


The Master of Friendship

by ModernWizard



Series: The Happy Famverse [16]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Bill and the Master talk friendship, Dr. Martha Jones comes up, Embarrassment, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Inconsequential bs, Lucy is still alive in this verse because gdi she should be, The Master asks Bill's advice, The Master is embarrassed about the cat thing that happened with Yaz, This is all very hypothetical ofc, What should the Master do if he [hypothetically] lost his shit in front of Yaz?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24310453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernWizard/pseuds/ModernWizard
Summary: Embarrassed after the whole...cattitude...thing, the Master has a heart-to-heart with the expert on all things friend-related: Bill Potts. Dr. Martha Jones comes up, as does Lucy, the Saxon years, Bill's work, Casey's sound effects routine, etc., etc., etc.
Relationships: The Master & Bill Potts, Thirteenth Doctor/The Master (Dhawan), Yasmin Khan & The Master (Dhawan)
Series: The Happy Famverse [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1694899
Kudos: 7





	The Master of Friendship

THE MASTER: Hey, you have friends, right?

BILL: ….. Um…..yeah…..of course I do!!!!! Why do you ask????

THE MASTER: Hah hah, why am I even asking indeed?! Of course you have friends! You always have a social circle, always making friends as easily as — as — as — breathing. Okay, well, that’s not really a good simile, since we lived in a polluted dystopia for a decade and had to get by with mechanized Cyber lungs… Hey, speaking of which, how’s your Cyber core faring these days? Heart and lungs still holding up?

BILL: Oh yeah!!!!!! Doing great!!!!! Don’t worry, you made them good and durable. Treating them very carefully. I have a doctor who specializes in xenorobotech, so she gives me a tune-up every now and then.

THE MASTER: Wait...you have a primary care with a xenorobotech specialty?!?!?! How?!?

BILL: Well, she’s affiliated with UNIT.

THE MASTER: Ah, that explains everything. Dr. Martha Jones, by any chance?

BILL: Yeah!!!!!!! She’s the best!!!!!!!! You know her?????

THE MASTER: I do. She led the anti-Saxon resistance during my stint as PM.

BILL: Oh……….. Yeah…….. We don’t really talk about that. But sometimes it’s nice to know that you’re not alone, you know?????? Like even if you don’t talk to someone about it, they at least know what hell was like too. Lived through it. It’s like solidarity.

THE MASTER: Ummmm...yeah. 

BILL: Hey….. You ever apologize to her and her family?

THE MASTER: No!!!! How self-destructive do you think I am??! They were all plotting to assassinate me. Even though Lucy ended up being the one who killed me once and a half, they all wanted me dead. I’m pretty sure they still do, so you’ll excuse me if I don’t frolic up to them and say sorry. I  _ do _ have a functioning self-preservation instinct, you know. I’m alive, and I’d like to keep myself that way.

BILL: Yeah….... True…..can’t really see it. Plus then it looks like you’re saying sorry because you want to be Super Special Bestest Ally. And that’s not a real apology, it’s just ego polishing!!!!!!

THE MASTER: ‘Peoples of the universe, attend! I, the Master, have decided to go for what I really want — namely, the Doctor. As a result, I will no longer be terrorizing you with impulsive power grabs, poorly planned invasions, utter disregard for the happiness of others, and the like. I will instead be acting with a) limited empathy and b) an understanding of multiple axes of oppression. P.S. Copies of my  _ mea culpa, _ entitled  _ THE MASTER OF REPENTANCE, _ are available for an arm and a leg at gallifreyanegopolish.com. Order yours today!’

BILL: OMG!!!!!!!! Gallifreyan ego polish.com!!!!!!!

THE MASTER: Yeah, that’s exactly what you’re  _ not _ supposed to do. Of course, that’s what I want to do, but I won’t do it. Won’t won’t won’t! And you know why? Because I’ve learned something that’ll revolutionize cosmology! Prepare to have your mind blown here… This might be a shock, but… Wait for it… I’m not the center of the universe!!!

BILL: I’m shook!!!!!!!! Also I hear that THE EARTH IS ROUND!!!!!! Okay well technically it’s an oblate spheroid….

THE MASTER: Apparently you’re just supposed to shut up and be nice and kind and good without saying anything because it doesn’t count otherwise. People just suspect you of being a lying gasbag.

BILL: Well yeah. They wonder why you’re yelling so loudly about how awesome you are, like maybe you’ve got something to hide???? Ideally your actions should speak for themselves…...

THE MASTER: Right, right. Like you never went around, telling everyone in Dystopia that you were the heart of the resistance. You just listened to people and understood what they were feeling and made friends really easily. 

BILL: Yeah that’s how you earn people’s trust. By being trustworthy!!!!!

THE MASTER: Exactly, so I figure that, if anyone is the Master of Friendship, it’s you. So, Master of Friendship, I need your help.

BILL: Okay, sure thing, Master of...Stuff. What are you Master of these days?

THE MASTER: Uh...let’s see… The Doctor, my shoelaces [on a GOOD day], and innumerable small jointed replicas of people known as dolls. Action figures. Action dolls. Limited edition collectibles. Licensed character replicas. TOYS!!!! I have lots of toy people.

BILL: Do you have a little Bill and a little Razor??

THE MASTER: Of course! The little you is spiriting people away out of the hospital so I can undo the mind control and emotional suppression. And the little me is yanking off the Cyber Controller’s arms and beating them to death with them because I never got to do that in real life.

BILL: Awwww….. How…..touching!!!! I guess???? So what do you need my help with, Master of Action Figures?

THE MASTER: Okay, here’s the situation. Say you have two friends, and you’re hanging out with both. Let’s call one of them ‘the Doctor’ and the other one ‘Yaz.’ What do you do if ‘the Doctor’ were to, strictly hypothetically, of course, humiliate you in front of ‘Yaz?’

BILL: Wait…...like bdsm?!?!?!!?!? Did Yaz say she was okay with that?????????

THE MASTER: No. No kink. Let’s just say, hypothetically speaking, that I lost my shit.

BILL: Okay…...now what do you mean? Did you like hurt her or yell at her????!!! Or was it more like you did something embarrassing???? I mean...hypothetically.

THE MASTER: No no no! We’re just supposing that nothing happened to the person currently known in this imaginary scene as ‘Yaz.’ In this purely counterfactual scenario, she just witnessed me behaving in a very — stupid? No. Silly? Not quite. C’mon...c’mon...what’s the word I’m looking for?

BILL: Was it maybe “a convulsion of unmastered passion”????????

THE MASTER: YES! Yes! That’s precisely what it was — I mean what it would have been — assuming that the events in question actually happened. Which they emphatically didn’t. What’s that from?

BILL: I made it up.

THE MASTER: Oh yeah? Do tell!

BILL: Well, you know how you have your passion, like overthrowing a totalitarian Cyber regime, but it doesn’t pay the bills???? And so you have to do something practical, like working in the hospital as an orderly or a janitor or something.

THE MASTER: Ah yes, I’m very familiar with that very specific hypothetical...almost as if I spent 10 years of my life acting it out….

BILL: So fostering doesn’t really pay the bills.

THE MASTER: Fostering? Like cats or something?

BILL: Hah hah nooooo!!!!!! Casey!!!! I’m a foster mum for Casey. Stipend is teeny tiny, though.

THE MASTER: You’re a foster mum?! Okay! Wow!!! That’s perfect!!! Not that you’re destined to be a mother because of your gender. Just that, you, of all people, are perfectly positioned to be an informed, thoughtful, careful parent!! You’ll do your best, and that will be so much more than Moira ever did for you.

BILL: Awwww……. Thanks! I really do want to give Casey all the love they deserve. All the love and stability and acceptance that a kid SHOULD have!!!!!!!

THE MASTER: Well, whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it right. That kid knows exactly what they’re about, and they’re a damn good sound effects maker!

BILL: Ah hahaahahahahah!!!!!!! Awwwwww thanks…… They’ve been practicing for hours!!! They keep asking me when they can see you again because they want to show you their new routine!!!!!!!

THE MASTER: Oh really?? Well, I’m ready when you are! Just say the word! My schedule’s pretty flexible, and I can always make time for my dearest person. 

BILL: Well…….truthfully it’s a bit overwhelming to see you again.

THE MASTER: Ah yeah, well, that’s true. My totally hypothetical friend ‘Yaz’ told me that I had a personality like a fire hose. Turns on full blast and tends to knock people over if they’re not careful.

BILL: No, it’s not you, silly!!!!! I can deal with you. It’s just…..all those memories. Nightmares…..all alone in the hospital…..turning into a machine…..waiting for the Doctor who would never come…...

THE MASTER: Oh no! Oh love! If I’m bringing up stuff that you’d rather not think about, please tell me to shut up. You’re very good at doing that anyway, hahahaahahah. Should I fuck off? Because I’m totally willing to fuck off if you want me to. Just say the word. Well, the words: Fuck off.

BILL: No, no fucking off!!!!!!! Let’s stay with texting, yeah???? That way, we can dip in and out of the conversation, no pressure. Well…..less pressure.

THE MASTER: Okay! I can do that! Whatever you want, dearest person! So...wait... What were we talking about?

BILL: Telling you about fostering.

THE MASTER: Ah yes. Right right right. So fostering doesn’t pay the bills, which means that something else does. Something containing convulsions of unmastered passion. Let me guess... Erotica? Smut? Porn? Explicit prose? Whatever you want to call it?

BILL: Eeeeeeeeexactly……..

THE MASTER: So where can I read some?

BILL: Mostly lesbian feminist stuff, though.

THE MASTER: So?

BILL: Not exactly the target audience, though, are you????...........

THE MASTER: I’m not?

BILL: Okay…..correct me if I’m wrong, but you were never really on about feminism per se. More about disability and class and heteronormative bullshit. The race and the gender…… Those were more of my thing.

THE MASTER: I’ve expanded my ‘things’ to include them. It’s kind of hard not to in my current state.

BILL: Yeah. I see that. People change. Obviously!!!!!!!

THE MASTER: Well, it’s not necessarily obvious. But...anyway...I’m always very interested to read whatever you write, no matter the intended audience!!!

BILL: Just FYI, it gets more detailed than unmastered convulsions of passion.

THE MASTER: I’m cool with that!!

BILL: Kinda embarrassing……..

THE MASTER: Why? You’ve always been really good with words. You know what to say to make people stop and think — or to make them feel cared for — or to inspire them to revolt.

BILL: Yeah but…….we WORKED together!!!!!!! You saw me giving advice and encouraging the troops. That’s different from writing a sex scene!!!!!!! It’s like…..do you REALLY want to know that about your coworker??!!!!

THE MASTER: Coworker?!! I thought we were a little more than that — friends!! I mean — I hoped that we were. Aren’t we? If we aren’t, please tell me. Then I’ll hide in the corner and cry. Hah hah hah, just joking. [But not really.]

BILL: Yeah, we are. C’mon, I’ve known you for over a third of my life!!!!! I think we’re pretty close, whether we want to be or not!!!! Just...well...don’t want you to think it’s silly. Or that I’m silly……

THE MASTER: Hey, you live in a capitalist society. Earning money off your creative pursuits isn’t silly. It makes sense. Cents too even! Plus I know you write well. Furthermore, I don’t have the peculiarly modern British human preoccupation of thinking that sex-related stuff is embarrassing or somehow shameful. I’m just curious to see what you’ve been doing!

BILL: Okay okay okay, you’ve convinced me!!!!!!! I’ll send you the link in an email. Now back to this entirely fictional and not at all real problem that you hypothetically need help with… Let me scroll back. Okay, so Code Name Doctor did something that made you hypothetically go into a convulsion of unmastered passion in front of Code Name Yaz. She was embarrassed. And so were you. Yeah????

THE MASTER: Yes yes, that’s it. So here’s my question: What do I do about Yaz??! Should I apologize? I don’t know if I should. I mean — I probably should. But the problem is — I’m mortified, and that prevents me from talking about how mortified I am. 

BILL: How is she acting? Is she acting like she’s hurt by what she saw?????

THE MASTER: No, she’s just tentative. It might have something to do with the fact that I’m avoiding her. Yeah. I suppose that might influence her behavior. Just the tiniest bit. I think she’s mostly confused as to why I’m suddenly vacating the room whenever she comes in.

BILL: Here’s a thought……. Did the Doctor say anything to Yaz??? Oh that was awkward, I shouldn’t have done that, sorry you got in the middle.

THE MASTER: She apologized for, and I quote, ‘breaking Yaz’s taboo against doing cat foreplay without the permission of everyone in the room.’ But that’s not exactly an acknowledgment of certain people’s  _ MORTIFICATION. _

BILL: ……..I don’t even know exactly what she’s talking about, and I don’t want to. Sounds like she apologized, felt bad, won’t do it again. But she doesn’t get the embarrassment.

THE MASTER: That’s an accurate summation of the current situation.

BILL: Okay…….. Could be a good idea to talk with Yaz. Not to apologize, since the Doctor is the one who started it. More like….. Yeah, that wasn’t embarrassing, wasn’t it???? Yeah, it was…… I’m embarrassed that you were there when that thing happened…..

THE MASTER: But I’m already embarrassed! Ugh. Talking about it is… Well, it’s embarrassing because it just makes me feel embarrassed all over again. It’s like  _ Humiliation II: Now With EXTRA Shame!!! _

BILL: Yeah…...but friends talk about the difficult stuff. That’s how they trust each other and understand each other and stay friends.

THE MASTER: Heh. I think I’d believe you more if I’d ever had any friends before…

BILL: Hey!!!!! We’re friends!!!!!!

THE MASTER: Yeah...well...you spent at least 3 of those 10 years just training me out of treating you like my secretary.

BILL: Hahahahahahahhah!!!!!!! It wasn’t years, it only took me 1 year to kick your ass!!!!!!!!! You were much better after that!!!!!!!

THE MASTER: Sure. Whatever you say. Anyway, thanks for listening to my completely hypothetical scenario and giving me a salutary kick in the ass. Master of Friendship, I salute you!

BILL: Should get going, but let me know how it goes, okay?!?!??!!?! I mean, assuming that you ever actually have the hypothetical conversation with Code Name Yaz. Oh and beware…….you might get a video of the kid’s latest sound effects routine!!!!!


End file.
